so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
