Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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