You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
