the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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