Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
