So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
