I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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