On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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