I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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