I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
