haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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