So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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