Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
