I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
