I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
