He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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