You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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