I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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