i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
