im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
How does one acquire holy water?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
