A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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