Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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