My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
