so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
How external is "for external use only"?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Randomize
