I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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