Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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