When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
