shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
