So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
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just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
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He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary