His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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