i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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