He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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