I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
