god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
