I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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