Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I cannot find my penis.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
