I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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