I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just pynch a tree in the face
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
