WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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