R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
