If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
