He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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