stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
