Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
