Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
