I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
