I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I want a musical about memes.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
