so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
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I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
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You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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