My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
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She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
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What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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