People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
