I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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