I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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