can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
