he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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