Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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