just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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