I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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