Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
