roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
